Discussing cancer can be stressful, awkward, and uncomfortable. It’s just not a pleasant conversation. Period. If you find yourself talking to someone who’s been diagnosed with cancer and you’re not sure what to say, that’s totally normal. Even if you accidentally put your foot in your mouth, I’m sure the other person understands you’re coming from a place of good intentions. To help you avoid those awkward situations, here are some tips on what you should avoid saying and why. And yes, these are from my personal experience
“Thank God they caught it early”
- Umm, by “caught it early” do you mean because I am still alive? Unless the patient specifically states that their cancer was caught early, don’t make that assumption. I lost count of how many times people assumed that because I looked healthy on the outside my cancer was diagnosed early when in fact it was Stage 3, which is not “early”. It puts unnecessary pressure on the patient to explain their staging.
“Ohh, my uncle died of that cancer”
- This was my dentist’s response when I shared my diagnosis. Obviously, she didn’t mean to share something so depressing but yeah, let’s avoid this. Don’t worry, she did get back into my good graces by giving me an extra fluoride treatment to keep my teeth strong and cavity-free while I was going through chemo and was unable to have my regular cleanings.
“Have you tried X”
- Unless you are an actual oncologist, please keep your detox tea/weird ass vitamin/voodoo bath salts to yourself. It is already incredibly overwhelming to understand the treatment our medical professionals have laid out for us. We don’t have the brain capacity to explain why we aren’t going to start a vitamin routine you saw on TikTok last week. P.S. I did try Marie Laveau’s Pure Magic Bath Salts and I still had a tumor when I got out of the tub, sooo verdict is still out.
“You look great!”
- I know this is a compliment and you mean well but it minimizes my struggles and the reality of my illness. I promise, I did not feel great on the inside. It also makes the hair loss, surgery scars, and muscle loss a tad bit harder to accept knowing the next time you see that person they aren’t going to greet you with that same compliment.
“How much time do you have left?”
- Enough time to know I don’t want to waste my energy around you. Lol but for real, this is rude. Cancer is a physical AND mental battle. When my doctor told me the survival rate for my cancer, I told myself over and over that I was in the top percent. Some people may be more comfortable sharing the anticipated expiration date but let them share that information. Some of us prefer to not think about it.
“Are you worried about losing your hair?”
- My response, “Yes, but I am more worried about dying right now.” Losing my hair was VERY traumatic. I did not need to be reminded of the struggles that I’d be facing.
“Do you have a family history of cancer?”
- Since when is my genetic makeup any of your business? And if I did, how does that change the situation I am currently in? I actually felt a huge sense of relief after completing an expansive panel of genetic testing to find out I did not have any genetic markers making me more prone to cancer. To me, those results gave me a sense of comfort that I was just a case of bad luck and that my family members were not any more likely to be diagnosed with cancer.
“You’re so brave”
- Yeah, I don’t have a choice. The alternative is dying and that could very well happen. I know this is meant as a compliment but it puts pressure on me to maintain a façade of strength.